04-22-09 Wednesday-off plan

B-2 coffee HC CO

L-2 healthy life LC bread
1 slice ham
1 slice provolone cheese

SN- 2 oz bag cheetos

D-1 grilled pork steak w catchup
potato onions butter sour cream, 2 corn on the cob

SN- 2 glasses of milk
chips, snack cake

WT=237

Ok, sometimes I just want to be normal. I want to feel like everyone else. I don't want to worry about every little morsel I stick in my mouth. I don't want to worry about how many carbs it has or how many calories it has. I don't want to think about what it could be doing to my body if I eat it. It's FOOD for Christ sakes. Food, that's all it is. Normal people doesn't worry about whats in it. They don't analyze whether they can have this with that or that with this. They don't have to figure the number of carbs/calories in it then decide if they can have it or not. If they want it they eat it. They don't worry about what's in it. I don't want to think about all the chemicals it might have from the artificial sweeteners. I don't want to worry if my sugar readings will be sky high if I have a simple glass of milk. I don't want to worry about loosing my eyesight, a limb, my kidneys or having a heart attack. I just want it to be food again. Like it was when I was a kid. We ate, we enjoyed it, we went on. Never a thought about it afterward. I just want it to be food again.

But I'm an overweight, diabetic. It will never just be food for me again. I know that. But there are just those days when I don't want it to be so complicated. Why does it have to be that way for me? When I try to just be normal, my body will swell up in rebellion. My joints will ache so bad I can hardly walk. My sugar readings will be through the roof. I'm not just a normal person. I will never just be a normal person again. I will always have to worry about the carbs/calories in foods. So the last few days was just a little mental health break.

Since Saturday night I've been weepy, nervous and irritable. Today I almost cried several times at work. I've tried to stay clear of people and stay off by myself. But in a busy clinic, that's just not possible. This is just not like me. I've not been sleeping well. Nothing is going on, nothing is wrong. Their is nothing I can put my finger on that has triggered this. I'm hoping it's just a hormonal thing. Isn't that what most women blame it on? Actually most men too. In all honesty, TOM did come visit me today. So maybe it is hormonal. What ever it is, I hope it goes away soon.

Since Easter I have tried to cut down on artificial sweeteners(AF). I don't see where that would be making me feel this way. But that is the only thing I have done different. I've stopped using it in my coffee. The only time I have had diet soda I have listed it here on my blog. I used to have 3 packages in each cup of coffee and usually 2 cups of coffee a day. Then I would have 2 sometimes 3 diet sodas a day.

Anyway that's where I'm at right now. I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer, this is just how my life is rolling right now.