03-09-09 Monday

B-2 coffee HC CO AS [5.2 carbs]
2 LC Healthy Life bread [12]
2 slices ham[0]
1 slice provolone, mayo [.5]

L-2 LC Healthy Life bread [12]
2 slices ham [0]
1 slice provolone, mayo [.5]
1 cucumber w/vinegar [2]

D-Pork cutlets w/1 carb catchup [2]
Fried turnips & onions w/1 carb catchup [7]

SN-LC English muffin
cream cheese, jelly [6]

Total net carbs= [ 62.2]

Walked 40 mins at lunch time

Still fighting some hunger today. But it wasn't as bad.

I know I want to lose this weight. But am I sabotaging myself? I think so. A few years ago when I lost the 1st part of my weight (the first 70 to 80 pounds of it) I made it down to 230. At that point I felt like something (not really something, ME!) was stopping me from going down any further. As I reach the 230's I'm feeling this way again. For some reason I feel scared to go further down. I know this sounds crazy. BELIEVE me I KNOW it sounds crazy. Of course I want this weight off. Why would I be working so hard to get it off if I didn't REALLY want it off. But something in my wee little brain is holding me back. But what????

That's what I have been pondering for awhile now. I've always known I had a hang up, but not quite sure what. I kind of feel like my being over weight is my punishment some how. Being over weight for me is NOT about the food. Yes, I'm addicted. Yes, I use it as my drug. But I also use it to feel safe. Safe from what? I don't quite know. In my warped little brain I guess I feel like as long as I'm overweight THAT is my punishment and if I lose the weight, I may be punished in other ways. What ways, why and by who you ask? Yea, I'm asking those same questions. Here is a few things I've come up with.

Ok so here is the WHY (or at least the why I've came up with in my head)
*I've told you all before (or I think I have ) that I lost my dad when I was 14 years old. Mom had to raise me and my brother by herself. My older siblings were already off on there own. But it made us a VERY close family.
*My oldest sibling lost her husband at the age of 35 to a heart attack, leaving her to raise a 12 and 10 year old all alone.
*My older brother lost 3 children in 2 separate accidents involving drunk drivers. (yes, 2 accidents, 1 child in one accident and then 10 years later lost 2 more in another drunk driving accident -my brother WAS NOT the drunk driver)
*My other sisters husband fell ill and has been disabled for many many years leaving the brunt of the family financial burden on her.......
Yea, our family has been through A LOT!!!! (This isn't even all of it, maybe some other time in another post) Some of those times were REALLY hard.

As you all know I'm happily married to my high school sweet heart. We have been together 23 years now. (yea I'm an old lady, I'm 40) We have a wonderful son who is 19 and is in college making us VERY PROUD. Even though all those hard times affected me. We (Hubby and I) have not experienced those hardships in our relationship (or family unit) . So I was the lucky one, so to speak. Ok, that sounds crazy, I lost my father, nephew, nieces and watch my siblings struggle for years. So I guess I wouldn't say lucky here, but you know what I mean. Our (my) family unit didn't go through that. So I felt like being overweight is my punishment for being happy.

Now, how I came to that conclusion is beyond me, my whole family is over weight. So why is the weight issues my punishment to bare???? Gee, who knows. This sounds crazier and crazier the more I type......

I know that this is a crazy concept. But, its one I can't seem to get a handle on. Of course my life hasn't always been a bed of roses, we have had our hard ships and struggles along the way too. I don't know why I feel I have to be punished. I'm still working on that.

After writing this, I feel like just erasing it. And still might even erase it after its posted. So if you come here and this is where the story starts, sorry but I couldn't leave it posted. I was just doing a lil working on 'Me' here.


Harry said...


Please do no feel crazy! Our minds can very easily take us off the road of sanity and they often do. I speak/type from experience here!

I think what you're doing now is extremely brave. You're examining the deepest workings of your mind. You're exploring sad places that may have very well shaped the view by which you perceive life and your place in it. I commend you for that.

Maybe the weight loss can be attained even without such exploration. But, if you can learn why you feel the way you do ... it will probably not only help you better achieve your weight goals but it may also help free you of these mental burdens that you clearly don't deserve.

I hope the latter is the case. As always, I wish for only the best for you.

Vadim said...

Jo, I second Harry completely. I am so glad you didnt end up erasing the post. Not only does it make all of us connect but it will help you too. I fully understand your reasons, and you are not crazy. But what and who you are is simply human and a very nice one. Only inhumane souls do not feel! Have you ever read the Secret? I did read it over the weekend, its a nice read. it did make me relaxed. Its a good book. You are struggling on a subconscious level. Talking it out will help you a lot! And we do care about you even though we never met. Why else would I be writing at 3 am? If anyone told me 3 months ago I would be doing so I would lauph at his or her face. I do not believe in accidents any more. We are all here for a reason! Jo, you will find peace and answers eventually. I have very strong convictions that those painful memories and guilt will let go in a due time. You havent caused all those misfortunes and you havent done anything to feel guilty about. Everything is in Devine order. There is not a tree in this world that is one too much. We are all here for a reason and we will all leave when called upon. Cheer up and remember that baby tickling you all over when you feel down. He will help you. I might be far away, but that crazy russian baby that tickles you when you are in distress is always with you. Glad you shared and opened up!

NewVision said...

Thanks Harry!
Maybe weight can be lost without such exploration. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lye, as they say.

Maybe it's not all these issues after all and it is just an addiction.

Either way I feel I have a LONG road ahead of me.

Thanks for all your kind words. Your very good with the pen (or keyboard LOL)

Thank you.
I have read 'The Secret' I posted about it awhile back. I've been working on my inner self. Maybe that is what has brought all this on. I have been trying to be VERY aware of my inner thoughts. It has helped with focusing on where my thoughts are turning.

I will work my way through this, THIS TIME I will succeed. I'm determined and stronger than before.

Maybe I should do like they say to do in 'The Secret' to lose weight, don't concentrate on the numbers. Tape the number you want to be over your dial on the scale and imagine you are at THAT weight. Attract that number to you.....Hmmmm something to think about. What do you think? LOL