B-2 coffee HC CO AS [5.2 carbs]
2 LC Healthy Life bread 
2 slices ham
1 slice provolone, mayo [.5]
L-2 LC Healthy Life bread 
2 slices ham 
1 slice provolone, mayo [.5]
1 cucumber w/vinegar 
D-Pork cutlets w/1 carb catchup 
Fried turnips & onions w/1 carb catchup 
SN-LC English muffin
cream cheese, jelly 
Total net carbs= [ 62.2]
Walked 40 mins at lunch time
Still fighting some hunger today. But it wasn't as bad.
I know I want to lose this weight. But am I sabotaging myself? I think so. A few years ago when I lost the 1st part of my weight (the first 70 to 80 pounds of it) I made it down to 230. At that point I felt like something (not really something, ME!) was stopping me from going down any further. As I reach the 230's I'm feeling this way again. For some reason I feel scared to go further down. I know this sounds crazy. BELIEVE me I KNOW it sounds crazy. Of course I want this weight off. Why would I be working so hard to get it off if I didn't REALLY want it off. But something in my wee little brain is holding me back. But what????
That's what I have been pondering for awhile now. I've always known I had a hang up, but not quite sure what. I kind of feel like my being over weight is my punishment some how. Being over weight for me is NOT about the food. Yes, I'm addicted. Yes, I use it as my drug. But I also use it to feel safe. Safe from what? I don't quite know. In my warped little brain I guess I feel like as long as I'm overweight THAT is my punishment and if I lose the weight, I may be punished in other ways. What ways, why and by who you ask? Yea, I'm asking those same questions. Here is a few things I've come up with.
Ok so here is the WHY (or at least the why I've came up with in my head)
*I've told you all before (or I think I have ) that I lost my dad when I was 14 years old. Mom had to raise me and my brother by herself. My older siblings were already off on there own. But it made us a VERY close family.
*My oldest sibling lost her husband at the age of 35 to a heart attack, leaving her to raise a 12 and 10 year old all alone.
*My older brother lost 3 children in 2 separate accidents involving drunk drivers. (yes, 2 accidents, 1 child in one accident and then 10 years later lost 2 more in another drunk driving accident -my brother WAS NOT the drunk driver)
*My other sisters husband fell ill and has been disabled for many many years leaving the brunt of the family financial burden on her.......
Yea, our family has been through A LOT!!!! (This isn't even all of it, maybe some other time in another post) Some of those times were REALLY hard.
As you all know I'm happily married to my high school sweet heart. We have been together 23 years now. (yea I'm an old lady, I'm 40) We have a wonderful son who is 19 and is in college making us VERY PROUD. Even though all those hard times affected me. We (Hubby and I) have not experienced those hardships in our relationship (or family unit) . So I was the lucky one, so to speak. Ok, that sounds crazy, I lost my father, nephew, nieces and watch my siblings struggle for years. So I guess I wouldn't say lucky here, but you know what I mean. Our (my) family unit didn't go through that. So I felt like being overweight is my punishment for being happy.
Now, how I came to that conclusion is beyond me, my whole family is over weight. So why is the weight issues my punishment to bare???? Gee, who knows. This sounds crazier and crazier the more I type......
I know that this is a crazy concept. But, its one I can't seem to get a handle on. Of course my life hasn't always been a bed of roses, we have had our hard ships and struggles along the way too. I don't know why I feel I have to be punished. I'm still working on that.
After writing this, I feel like just erasing it. And still might even erase it after its posted. So if you come here and this is where the story starts, sorry but I couldn't leave it posted. I was just doing a lil working on 'Me' here.