07-30-09 Thursday

I'm posting this from work on my lunch hour. I usually don't as I know big brother is always watching. But I'm to the point that I just don't care. I feel out of control. Like I'm going through a sort of depression. My food is out of control. I keep feeding myself to make myself feel better. (It's not working, but I keep doing it anyway). It's like trying to make a child feel better with a sucker, but I'm not feeling better.
Part of it is worry over losing my job and not being able to pay for my son's schooling. Part of it is the two year anniversary of my Mom's death coming up (I miss her sooooooo much). Part of it is not getting a new job that I applied for. And Part of it is.........I don't know. I feel my insides shaking and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to calm it with my normal crutch (food).

I hope this will pass soon. I don't know what to do about it. I'm keeping myself busy with chores and work. Trying to get my mind calmed and not thinking about it. But no matter what I do, it's there.

Thanks for listening. This has been affecting me for a while now. Maybe just getting it off my chest will help.


jo said...

First off, get some sugar free gum to chew on. That gives your body something to do.

Secondly, while it's rough, think about the stuff that's bothering you. The only thing you can control is what goes in your mouth.

Anniversaries are tough--I'm still missing my mom and dad after 16 and 1 year. That's normal. Allow yourself to be sad about your mom without eating.

The job situation is scary. I don't have any advice about that other than having faith that your needs will be met.

Life has a lot of rough patches. It stinks, I know.


~Oct said...

I'm sorry that you are going through mourning the loss of your mom. That IS rough and I completely empathize. I'm going to be there someday. :( My best friend Matt is honoring the 2md year of his own mom's passing ... it isn't something easy and it never will be. Just honor her in the best way you can. She's your mom and she will help you through it even from the other side.

Regarding your job, that is one of my biggest fears too. If it happens, just know that you'll get through it ... I always think about my grandparents and all of the hard times they went through. They made it through and maintained their happiness. We can too.

Erika said...

Jo, I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on. I've been there too (over different reasons). Is there anyone around you that might have a good shoulder? Sounds like you need a strong shoulder (and maybe a bit of cry? That makes you feel sooooo much better).

Eating your distress, as you are fully aware, wont solve anything. I know that doesn't change the desire though. Is there something else you can do? Have a vent to a good friend, go to a really loud concert, maybe a church that sings powerful and uplifting stuff.